Broken heart

FOR ALEXANDER CALHOUN

As if life wasn’t hard enough without a broken heart

 I wake up and let everyone help and

Handle me I answer all 1, 652 the questions as best I can, as you did with much more grace—-

I put a smile on my face and say good morning I drink my coffee through a straw

 like you would drink your tea in the evening before when I had kissed you and was about to leave

 i listen to music as if I even know how to do that anymore— I let it out like you said to

 i breathe through my anxiety and tears come in deep text discussions— the occasional stray thought that is just too much—even just a sigh or breaths that sound to heavy are enough not to be normal

 I listen to people ask what’s wrong as if any of this is easy

 as if they forgot you even existed

 I wonder what sports games are on

What would you say about politics or race today?

What would you say if I could talk to you about my life now?

 I do whatever people might expect of me that day or whatever might make me happy—

 make it easier to survive without you

 then I laugh through Grey’s Anatomy

 as if not having all that love doesn’t even matter

 as if I was in fact never supposed to

We were just a secret miracle imperfect miracle severyone knew about

 because I am lucky to know you at all

 I’m lucky even to know what grief is for real— because it means you were beautiful, I mean handsome, sexy, excuse me —-and you still are

 and I know love forever

I smile and say good night 😴 as if now love is only for art

I write as if you see this poem now, you’re the first reader

I sleep as if you live with me closer than before or you’re watching me from the stars

I  try to live as if life wasn’t hard enough without a broken heart